Sooner or later reality catches up with us and we have to deal with it anyway. The longer it takes the more costly it is. The good news is that dealing with the truth makes us stronger. Too many of us are using enormous amounts of energy protecting ourselves from the truth. It seems "easier" in the short term to live with half-truths or even self-created fantasies designed to protect us from unpleasant feelings. But in the long run, it simply doesn´t work. Sooner or later reality catches up with us and we have to deal with it anyway. The longer it takes the more costly it is. The good news is that dealing with the truth makes us stronger. In our private coaching practice we help people with all phases of partnership, from creation to completion. As we look back at the thousands of couples we have helped navigate the turbulent emotional waters of divorce, there is one glaring similarity in 90% of the cases. If they had talked openly, honestly and responsibly about their problems when they first began, they wouldn´t be getting a divorce. How much better off would they be if they had chosen to deal with their problems head-on rather than avoiding the feelings of temporary discomfort that can come from difficult conversations. It cost them more in the long run to avoid confronting the truth than to deal with it. Sobering but true. The question is - how often do you avoid dealing with the truth because you are afraid it will be uncomfortable? Do you find yourself avoiding difficult conversations because you think that by waiting the problem will somehow disappear? Is it better to avoid looking at the fact that you are losing money doing the business you love? Or is it more prudent to run appropriate financial projections so you can avert disaster down the road? Is it better to be honest with yourself that certain life-style choices are costing you your health, or just wait for the suffering and the medical bills to show up? Is it easier to keep struggling with your bills every month, or to look at the part of you that seems determined to live beyond your means? Is it better to keep struggling with a relationship, that when you look at it, hasn´t been fulfilling since the first few months you were together, and that was 12 years ago?! Or is it wiser to take a deep breath and a long look at why it´s so easy for you to settle for less than you want? Is it better to walk on eggshells with the people you care most about because you´re afraid to hear what you already know to be true? Or is it less stressful to simply deal with it? Initiate a heart-to-heart talk and make choices based on the reality of the situation rather than what you wished was true. Is it worth the risk to tell the emperor he has no clothes, or wait for him to find out some other way, then have him feel hurt or betrayed because you didn´t have the guts to simply tell him? From time to time it is important to take stock of what we are trying to avoid. The pure and simple truth is that denial, personal or group denial, is very costly. It costs us our self-respect and our personal power. Denial drains our energy like water through a sieve. It also costs us time. We waste so much of our life when we bury our head in the proverbial sand. Sometimes, when we come out of denial, we feel regret for all the lost moments. Like when a solution presented itself and we didn´t notice because we were too busy fooling ourselves that we "didn´t have a problem". Some people lose their whole life doing that. One of the most difficult things for human beings is to perceive "what is". Reality is often obscured by our own beliefs, biases, fears, prejudices and limitations. To be enlightened is to be awake. Awake enough to discern the false from the true, especially within our own psyche. Most of us need to develop our capacity to observe ourselves without self-invalidation so we can begin to see the deeper reasons for the choices we make and the actions we take. So, what is there for you to do? Begin a rigorous exploration of your own heart and mind. Go into the deep stillness of your meditation and ask, "What am avoiding?" or "What am I in denial about?" Then wait for the answer. You may have to ask it more than once. The next step is to ask, "What can I do to deal with it more appropriately?" Write your answers down and keep them in a place where you can see them frequently throughout the day. Then take one step at a time. You´ll notice that as you start taking the steps you´ll begin to feel stronger, your mind will feel more focused, you´ll have more energy. Even though you may decide to do some things that are temporarily uncomfortable, sooner than later, you´ll feel the strength that comes from integrity. The integrity to be true to yourself by looking at what is really going on in your life. You´ll feel more alive, more alert, more at peace. You´ll find yourself in a rarified sphere of being AWAKE. The air is sweeter here than any you have ever breathed and you´ll feel that whatever it took you to get here, was worth it.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Intimate Communication
The deeper connection of spiritual intimacy requires a dynamic interaction as well as moments of stillness and spaciousness. This constitutes the yang and yin of intimacy, the action and the receptivity. In a natural, harmonious intimate connection, there emerges a flow of giving and receiving, activity and stillness. This mirrors the dynamic nature of the Universe and all life. Ancient Tantric yogis and Taoists intently studied this interplay in order to understand and learn how to be in alignment with life. They discovered that both the activity of creating intimate connections and the state of stillness require skill and conscious awareness. Such skills and consciousness form the essence and foundation of authentic Sacred Tantra practice. Furthermore understanding and facilitating the interplay between activity and stillness was an inherent aspect of the practices. The activity (practices) of creating intimacy are by nature initiatory -- they activate and direct the movement and flow of energetic charge within the connection, thus enhancing the movement towards each other. Of course there always will be some sort of energetic connection between two people (or any two living things); this has been long known by the yogis, and more recently validated by extensive scientific research. Typically in most (untrained) people the connection is minimal and unconscious. Conscious awareness of the connection will increase the flow of energy, and the Tantric / Taoist energy meditations further amplify the quantity, quality, and freedom of circulation of the natural energetic charge. Thus the activity of these practices is based upon a conscious intention, applied with skill born of practice and experience. One learns how to skillfully move energy, and when two are sharing such practices they are engaged in a multi-dimensional communication. At some point in the process, however, the conscious activity of moving energy must release and surrender to stillness and non-activity in order to maintain harmony and intimate connection. If all goes well, the yang yields to yin, and the communication releases into quiet, and an effortless merging naturally takes place. In Tantra such merging in the stillness is called a "valley orgasm" because the pauses between activity phases are like valleys and the merging is so orgasmic. As in the famous Yin/Yang symbol, within the Yin there is always a touch of Yang, and visa versa. Eventually, out of the stillness a spark of excitement will begin to grow, another round of activity will emerge, and another cycle begins. This shifting mirrors the dynamic nature of the universe, an endless flow of Yang into Yin into Yang into Yin, and so on. No one will ever know which came first, the activity or the stillness. Tantric yogis and master teachers considered this interplay of Yin and Yang, stillness and activity, to be an earthly (and human) demonstration of the endless, unlimited interplay of the Divine Mother (form and energy) and the Divine Father (heavenly consciousness and compassion) -- the Divine Sacred Marriage. They understood "As above, so below." and recognized that humans contained a microcosm of this Divine integration of spaciousness and activity, energy and consciousness. Resistance (reluctance) also is an aspect of nature and can apply here as well, interrupting the natural surrendering of yang into yin and yang arising out of yin. To resist the shift is to create contraction, disturb the flow of the connection, interrupt the intimacy, and ultimately cause separation and suffering. Thus a critical aspect of spiritual intimacy and Tantra practice has to do with learning to recognize and release resistance when it arises and before it takes over one´s experience. Traditional Tantra yoga has utilized the body as a biofeedback instrument for dealing with this: for example, the yogis understood that resistance causes tension, and consequently the breathing pattern change. By re-establishing the type of breathing that facilitates open flow of energy, the resistance can be short-circuited and much of the connection can be re-established. Furthermore, by maintaining the indicated Tantric breathing pattern a foundation is established to prevent resistance from taking hold of the body/mind. Using yogic breathing in this way would be among the powerful techniques and practices of Tantra which are Yang, or activity based. Approaching resistance to the flow and integration of Yin and Yang from the stillness point of view, meditation techniques were developed to sustain the spaciousness and openness (availability). It has long been understood in Tantra that resistance to connection and intimacy is usually characterized by mental chatter, including doubt, thoughts from the past and/or future, agenda thinking, etc. Thus, as with breathing practices, meditation techniques were developed to both recognize and rectify unnecessary thinking and to prevent any takeover by the "monkey mind" jumping from branch to branch, thought to thought! As with the breathing practices, meditation is best learned with supervision and guidance. Training participants in the "energy meditations" is one of the primary functions of the workshops I teach. Old habits, long supported by the (non-intimate) culture, are slow to change, and thus it takes some time, guidance, and practice to overcome restricted breathing, limited energy flow, and a busy mind. Thus the practices are the foundation of authentic Tantric lineages and teachings. Learning, and ultimately acheiving some degree of mastery of this interplay of activity and stillness will have a profound effects on all aspects of one´s life, particularly relationships, bringing more and more harmony and depth of intimacy. Much of this learning arises out of regular practice of meditation and attention to energy. Ironically, regular practice, especially if guided by a teacher, can also support the development of an intuitive sense which can be very helpful in knowing when to shift from activity to stillness or to initiate activity when in a sacred, intimate connection. Thirdly, beyond the practices and intuition, being in harmony with the Divine marriage and integration of Yin and Yang can be facilitated and enhanced by cultivating inner guidance and direction from great allies in the spiritual kingdoms such as the great Master Teachers (Buddah, Jesus, Tara, Mary, etc.) -- the masters of being in conscious harmony with the flow. Given practice, intuition, and guidance, relationships and intimacy can acquire great depth, meaning, and satisfaction, bringing an end to separation and much suffering. Instead the miracle of Union and Oneness, true spiritual intimacy, begins to emerge as a primary theme in our lives -- a source of great joy and happiness! May we all learn to live this way -- to live in Namaste´... Blessings, Robert ?2002 Robert Frey, MA. Used by permission of the author.
How to Grow a Conscious Relationship
First, love yourself deeply... genuine love for you attracts genuine love from others. Ask yourself three questions: Is a conscious relationship something I really want? Am I willing to commit to one person with all my heart? Am I willing to do whatever work it takes on myself to enjoy lasting love? Tune in deeply to your needs... find out what you really want in a close relationship. BREATHE! BREATHE! BREATHE! Breathe in love for yourself... breathe out love for everyone around you. Feel all your feelings... and give everyone around you room to feel all their feelings. Keep your promises impeccably: Do what you say you´ll do... and don´t do what you say you won´t do. Appreciate yourself and your loved ones out loud at least once an hour. Treat yourself to lots of alone time... and give the gift of solitude to others around you when they need it. Remember: The past is the past... it doesn´t need to color your present and your future. Tell the truth all ways and always. CELEBRATE YOURSELF for having created the life you´re living, and CELEBRATE YOURSELF for being willing to change it. Breath and love are sure cures for fear... Love all your fears and breathe through them to make more love. Love as much as you can from wherever you are at the moment. Tune in often to your deepest self: Am I honoring my true essence -- who I truly am? Am I honoring the essence of those around me? Remember: A beautiful garden grows one day at a time -- careful nurturing honors the gift of nature and celebrates it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- With love and blessings from Kathlyn & Gay Hendricks, authors of "Conscious Loving" and
Look Deeper
Beauty can be a distraction in today´s world. It is time to notice how you treat other people, especially those of the opposite sex. Not just people you know and like, but strangers as well. Do you treat them differently based upon how they appear? Do you treat beautiful people differently from average people? Do you avoid getting close to people who don´t meet your standard for good looks? Most of us do. Why? My theory is based upon ancient history. For thousands of years, before civilization as we now know it, before language was developed, our instincts told us that we must perpetuate the species. This meant not only creating children, but improving the species as well. Our attractions were based upon appearance. In cave-dweller days, men were motivated by an instinctual desire to impregnate women who would provide healthy and beautiful children. Therefore, they developed a strong visual component to their sexuality. They became most aware of the attributes which they interpreted as healthiness and fertility, such as breasts, legs, hips, hair, and face. Spotting such a woman at a distance might allow them to follow, befriend, and possibly impregnate this desirable baby creator. This instinctual behavior is still present, to varying degrees, in men today. Some men learn to hide this instinct and disguise the related behavior, because our society does not approve of it. Some macho men flaunt it, and choose to ignore how it makes women feel. Women, historically, have also been motivated by a similar interest in appearance. A man who is handsome, stands up straight, and has strength and agility is, at first glance, a good father for potential children. But women have also had to consider other important factors. While they are pregnant, and after they give birth, they need help. So women also needed to find a mate who could do more than just impregnate them. They needed a mate who would stay with them, protect them, and provide for them and the children. So finding an attractive mate is built into us at a primal level, somewhat more strongly in men than in women. There´s nothing wrong with it, of course. All else being equal, an attractive partner is better than an average or ugly one, right? That´s true. But all else is not equal in today´s world. We have visual influences on us that have not been part of our history. Magazines came first, then movies, then television, bringing us the ability to see things we might have never seen in a lifetime. One of these is a profusion of beautiful people. Models in magazines, and actors in movies and on television are better looking than the average person. And there are so many of them! Today, it is not unusual to have 100 or more channels available on your television, and almost every one shows ultra-beautiful people all the time. And just look at the magazines around the checkout counter at your local supermarket. With all this prevalent beauty, we tend to forget that what´s inside a person is more important. I claim that beauty can be a distraction. Beauty distracts from your ability to enjoy life and relationships if you place too much emphasis on it. If you are a woman who demands a man be incredibly handsome before you will consider him as a mate, you are potentially missing the love of your life. If you are a man who is constantly seeking the most beautiful women, you are cutting yourself off from a large number of fabulous potential partners. And you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. Beautiful people can be much more difficult than people of average looks. Not all of them are, of course. But I´ve found that some are conceited, self-centered, and unfriendly. Why? They have been given special treatment all their lives because they are beautful. They may expect exceptional treatment from others because they have always gotten it. Lots of average-looking people are easier to talk with, more friendly, more generous, and less demanding. And when you look deeper, sometimes you find much more. All my life, I looked for the most beautiful girls to date, mate, and marry. Of course, the most beautiful wouldn´t have anything to do with me, because I am not the most attractive man. It was my experience that the better looking women were more self-centered, selfish, and short-sighted. Maybe it was just their way of letting me know that I didn´t measure up to their standards, but I still felt the pain of hearing their dismissive remarks. When I met my wife Kathryn, I immediately saw her radiance. Her beautiful energy glows from her gorgeous eyes and her winning smile. Most people would not consider her good looking enough to be a model or a movie star. But a great deal of her beauty is beneath her skin. I see it plainly when I hold her and close my eyes. I have never before witnessed such beauty with my eyes open. Every morning when I wake, and every night when I fall asleep, I thank the Universe, and I thank her for all she is and all she does. So I´d like to make a suggestion. Begin to notice people that you wouldn´t have paid attention to before. Try to see them in a new way... not with your eyes, but with your other senses, and with your heart. You might find you want to get closer to them, to know them better. When you are alone with someone, try this practice. Close your eyes, and tune into the senses of touch, hearing, smell and taste. Look below the skin. Get to know their mind, heart, and values. Don´t talk much... listen and feel instead. Notice all that you can see with your eyes closed. You may find a great treasure hidden in an unexpected place! I did. If I hadn´t looked deeper, I might have shut myself off from the fabulous relationship that Kathryn and I share today! Copyright 2002 William Van Vechten. All rights reserved.
Communication, Communication, Communication
By Paul and Layne Cutright
Nothing is more important than your relationships, because your relationships affect every part of your life. We think you'll agree it is in your relationships that your deepest feelings arise. Your relationships can take you from the depths of hurt, disappointment, rage, and grief to the heights of joy, love, anticipation, and ecstasy - sometimes all in the same day and all within one relationship!
There is no question that relating with our fellow human beings can sometimes be heartwarming and magical and at other times tedious and agonizing. The fact is most problems in relationships are born of misunderstanding and miscommunication.
As individuals we live on our own solitary islands of reality, absorbed in and fascinated by our own points of view. Frequently we reach out to one another seeking to understand or be understood. The bridge between our separate realities is communication. Communication is what joins us with others. To communicate is to relate; without communication of some kind there is no relationship.
To a very large degree the quality of your relationships depends upon the quality of your communication. And it is the breakdowns in communication that often generate the heartbreak and disappointment of unfulfilled dreams, visions, and goals. The most treasured moments in our lives occur when we as individuals connect from the heart with the soul of someone else. Most people experience this rarely, if ever.
What we have discovered is that these moments of true connection can be deliberately created. There are principles and processes that you can learn to help you develop the skill to fill your life with these kinds of moments. When you do this, you will be reawakened to your capacity to connect deeply with the people you care about most in an upwelling of compassion.
"What is one of the biggest challenges you have in your relationships?" we often ask participants in our teleclasses and workshops. What we hear over and over again is, "Communication!"
Most people have a lot of frustration and confusion associated with communication. They recognize that they need to talk about some difficult issues but often don't know how to bring them up. Nor do they trust their ability to navigate all the way through the rough spots to honest, heartfelt resolution for everyone concerned.
Some people talk incessantly, as if in a desperate attempt to be heard and validated, but instead end up driving people away. Others are very closed and secretive, as if they are afraid of being found out somehow. Still others seem to blame everything wrong in their lives on others, then wonder why they feel isolated and alone. Some people never seem to listen, but are always quick either to talk about themselves or to offer unsolicited advice.
Do you do any of these things in your relationships? Do you know anyone who does? When someone is speaking to you, are you so busy thinking about what you want to say that sometimes you don't even hear the other person? Do you feel safe letting people know when you are afraid or insecure, or do you think you are supposed to appear strong and in control to be loved or respected? Can you talk freely about the things that are truly important to you, as well as the things that bother you, or are you afraid of appearing vulnerable and foolish?
What if you felt totally at ease and comfortable being your true, authentic self in your relationships with others? What do you think would happen if you felt safe enough to tell the truth about your thoughts and feelings all the time in your relationships? What if others felt safe enough to tell you the truth about their thoughts and feelings? How do you think you would feel about each other?
Our experience with our students and clients has shown over and over again that they end up feeling closer and more trusting with each other. There is a direct correlation between honesty, intimacy, and trust. Have you ever told someone you care about that you want to have a "heart-to-heart talk"?
For most people, having a heart to heart implies there is some truth or feeling to share. It could be any of a number of things: an expression of love and acknowledgment, a request for (or offer of) advice or counsel on a sensitive matter, or, just as easily, a problem or an upset. In all cases a request for a heart-to-heart talk implies value to the relationship and a certain level of existing trust.
Outside the context of such conversations, however, problems arise all too frequently in relationships because of miscommunication and misunderstanding. Feelings get hurt; there is anger, sadness, and defensiveness. The walls go up, and usually there is no further discussion. Over time love becomes more of a concept than a feeling. ("Why, of course I love you. Don't be silly!") Trust diminishes, and real intimacy is lost.
Usually when people are having problems and misunderstandings, they tend to think there is something wrong with them, or the other person, or both. The more disappointments you have over time, the more this attitude is reinforced.
We have a different point of view, however. What we have discovered is that people have problems and misunderstandings in their relationships not because there is something wrong with them, but rather because they lack education in the fundamental principles and practices of successful relationships.
If you approach relationship challenges with the attitude there is something to learn - and you can learn it - as opposed to the attitude that there is something wrong with you that needs fixing, then your chances of producing successful relationships are greatly increased.
One of the most important skills to learn and practice in relationships is the art of successful communication. When you practice effective, satisfying communication you are rewarded with relationships filled with more love, intimacy, understanding and trust.
Come Close, But Stay Away
If you can relate to these feelings, know that you are not alone. As a Marriage, Family, and Child Therapist for 26 years, I have learned incredible insights into the causes and the solutions to our many relationship dramas.
It was fascinating to hear from every client, male and female, young and old, the same frustration and despair. Every client longed for that wonderful, loving relationship. Everyone felt powerless, and pessimistic about ever having their dream fulfilled.
One client, Gail, a very pretty thirty-two-year-old woman said to me, "Helene, I want you to help me to become a hermit." I replied, "Gail, if you could have what you desire in a relationship, would you still want to withdraw from society?" "No," Gail admitted, teary eyed, "I'd love to be married and to have a family."
In the course of her counseling sessions, Gail expressed how devastated she was from her painful relationships with all the men in her life, including her brother and father. Unable to handle any more rejection, she was seeking to become a hermit to protect herself, even though her solution was not what she truly desired.
Gail succeeded in therapy in overcoming her fears and hurts about men, relationships, and herself. She had discovered that even though she was a beautiful woman, she felt ugly. Gail also felt unlovable, unworthy, bad and not good enough from the time she was five years old and her father left the house.
I will never forget when Gail regressed back to that crucial childhood time and realized the truth—that her Dad chose to leave because he was not getting along with her mother, but that he loved Gail very much. In her visualizations, Gail was able to hear her father's reassurance that she was not responsible for her parents' divorce. He was so sorry that she took it personally, felt abandoned, and decided that men she loves leave her.
Gail sobbed deeply, mourning all of the years she was under the illusion that she was not okay, and did not deserve a loving relationship. She also realized how she kept reliving, in her adult life, her five-year-old decision that men abandon her, by choosing men who would keep rejecting her.
As Gail healed her inner child she was able to believe the truth, that she is okay, beautiful, lovable, worthy, good enough, and that men she loved would be there for her. Six months later, she called me to tell me about her loving relationship. Gail was no longer pushing away the relationship that she wanted, and she allowed herself to attract her perfect mate.
This story is typical of the scenarios I discovered with all of my clients who were unsuccessful in their relationships. That includes the men who had made similar destructive decisions with their mothers, sisters, and previous lovers. The clients taught me that the reason why we are driving each other crazy is because we have two subpersonalities that are expressing opposite things. The positive part of us is saying, "Come close, I want to love you." That is the thought that attracts lovers to us. Meanwhile the negative part is screaming, "Stay away because I'm scared. I'm scared that if you get too close you will hurt me, or you will find out that I'm
really not okay." These beliefs cause us to push the other person away. We actually unconsciously set up ways to be rejected by suddenly finding fault with them, not keeping agreements, withdrawing, or being argumentative. Sometimes we decide to end relationships because we are unconsciously expecting the other person to push us away.
How sad and frustrating it is that so many of us are like ships lost on a foggy ocean. We keep blowing our horns to try to connect with each another. However, because of the fog, because of our self-doubts and negative decisions about relationships, we cannot see clearly and find that other ship—our partner.
It is time to clear out your illusions, to lift the fog. It is time to acknowledge the truth that you are okay, loving, worthy, and more than good enough. You are wonderful and you deserve a fantastic relationship. Go for it!
Ending the Affair
In a way, you have been behaving like a person addicted to a drug. When a person is addicted to drugs, the drug gives, or gave, the person wonderful feelings. (That's why someone gets addicted in the first place.) Similarly, the affair gave you wonderful feelings at some point; that's why you got involved with it in the first place.
Likewise, the prospects of giving up the affair are similar to those of giving up a drug. You're going to feel all the feelings you were trying to avoid by engaging in the affair. When you are feeling down and out or when you are in emotional pain, the way of escape you became accustomed to won't be there.
You must have faith that when you end the affair (just like when you stop using a drug) and you start working on yourself and your issues, at some future time you will be in better shape and feel better than you ever have. You might not be having that experience at this moment, but keep the faith, and you can get there. In drug programs, they call this long-term process "recovery," and it has to be a life-long plan.
If you haven't ended the affair, now is the time to do so. There simply is no way that you can repair your relationship, your honesty, your integrity, and your life if you are still engaged in an affair.
That is sometimes easier said than done. If you have been having an affair for some time, you could be quite attached to the person you have been seeing. If this is the case, you might not "want" to the end the affair for some "potentially" good relationship with someone you currently doubt can create a good relationship. This is similar to the way an addict doesn't "want" to give up their drug of choice for some "potentially" better life that wasn't there for them in the past. But if you truly want to rebuild your relationship, there is no other way but to completely and unwaveringly end all communication with your paramour.
To complicate the personal difficulties you face with ending the affair, you may be concerned about the way your lover is going to react. Or, perhaps, you have already told them and they are overwrought, so you have maintained a connection with them to help them overcome their distress.
Whatever the case may be, you must now forgo all contact with your former lover. You must cross that bridge and burn it behind you. The relationship must cease in all its forms. If this doesn't happen, your partner will not trust you again any time soon, and may never trust you again.
If you have not yet informed your lover that you are going to end the affair, then you might have to contact them one last time and tell them so. There are four possible ways you can approach this.
1. Simply do not contact them again at all.
2. Talk with them on the phone.
3. Send them a letter.
4. Send them an e-mail.
Do not meet with your lover in person to end the relationship. This never turns out well. Often the lover will try to convince you to continue the relationship or at least have one last sexual encounter. (After all, if the affair wasn't fulfilling them on some level, they wouldn't have been involved in it.) In addition, there is no practical way to be honest about this kind of meeting with your partner without arousing suspicion. Because ending suspicion is such an important part of the healing process, a meeting like this can serve no good.
Regardless of the way you choose to contact your lover, you should make this final contact in the presence of your partner. If you are going to have a telephone conversation, invite your partner to listen to it. If you choose to send an e-mail or write a letter, allow your partner to read this final correspondence and offer suggestions prior to sending it. The purpose of the final correspondence is primarily to begin to re-establish your trust with your partner. Therefore, you want it to meet your partner's needs even though it will be hurtful to the paramour.
Whichever way you approach it, the tone of this final contact should be business-like, not friendly. For example, you should close your letter just with your name, not "love" or "fondly" or any other friendly or loving reference.
The message you are trying to get across should be permanent, not temporary. For example, you shouldn't say, "I'm going to try to make our relationship work for now." Instead, you should say, "I am recommitting to my partner. Do not contact me again for any reason." Doing these things will show your partner in a tangible way that you are ending the relationship.
The Reasons Cheaters Cheat
Unfortunately, there is not one simple answer that addresses why all people who get involved in affairs do so. People are complex and engage in infidelity for different reasons. When we talk about the "reasons" the affair happened, it might seem as though the affair were inevitable or somehow a justifiable course of action. I don't want to give you that impression. As such, it might be better to think of these as themes for the justification of the affair, rather than the "reason" it happened. Here are a few themes that seem to come up again and again:
» Some people cheat because they aren't getting their needs met inside their relationships. They are under the deluded notion that going outside their relationships is a legitimate answer. It isn't.
» In some cases, people cheat because they have never learned to honor boundaries. They know the boundaries are there, but they have little hesitation about stepping over them.
» Some people are thrill seekers who just can't pass up the opportunity to get a thrill. The very fact that these people are doing something that is taboo compels them to engage in the affair.
» Similarly, some men think that they are not a real man if they turn down a sexual invitation from someone attractive.
» Some people have low self-esteem, and they get a sense of self-worth through finding people who care about them.
» In some cases, people have sexual fetishes that their partners have problems with, so they go outside their relationships in order to fulfill these sexual desires.
» A very common theme is that people cheat because their partners no longer make them feel special. These people go outside their relationships thinking that another person might fill this gap.
Whatever the underlying reasons, cheaters cheat because they have the mistaken notion that going outside their relationships will solve their problems or fulfill some aspects of their characters.
Some people have a defective sense of commitment. (I most commonly see this in men.) They might expect themselves to be totally honest in other situations, but feel they don't have to be when it comes to women. Although they usually vehemently deny it at first, these men have a denigrating view of women, putting them in a second-class position. I am assuming that the men reading this book are much less likely to be in this group because you are devoting this time and energy to repairing your relationship, which requires equitability between you and your partner. In the end, the reason why cheaters cheat is not of paramount importance. You can ask why they did what they did until you're blue in the face, and each scenario could present a different answer.
The typical reason it is so important to the injured person to find out why the affair happened is based on the mistaken notion that if you want to stop or change a behavior, you have to know what triggered the behavior in the first place. If you don't know why it happened, the thinking goes, you can't stop it from happening again. Unfortunately, if you try to find out why the affair happened, the best you will probably get is some kind of justification for why it started, or perhaps a list of factors that are built to make the infidelity seem like less of a crime than it is.
More importantly, you don't have to know why an action happened to keep it from happening again. In some cases, exploring what went into the cheater's choice to cheat can help protect them against the possibility of cheating again, but this isn't universally the case, and it isn't what is going to keep your partner from cheating in the future. That will take hard work and commitment. Neither you nor your partner needs to investigate what lead to the affair to recommit to being faithful to each other.What is important is that both of you want to heal your relationship and are ready to do the work necessary to achieve that objective. The techniques this book is founded on will help you restore your relationship regardless of why the cheating partner decided to have an affair.
It is time to let this question go. Recognize that there may be reasons that this happened, but that figuring out the reasons doesn't take you that much closer to rebuilding your relationship together. What will move you in that direction is figuring out what you need in this relationship, how those needs have been neglected, and how your needs interface with your partner's needs.
Cheating Wife? What Does This Mean For your Marriage if you think your wife is cheating?
If your wife is cheating it can mean several things and the most important is that she is not getting what she wants from her marriage. This is plain talk but it's true.
Why is Your Wife Cheating? If your wife is cheating on you, then you can absolutely be sure that she wants more than she is getting from you in your marriage.
In our relationship coaching practice with couples where the wife has been cheating and wants more, contrary to what some people would have you believe, this isn't necessarily about how much time you spend in the bedroom. The cheating is probably about many other factors that have little to do with sex.
If your wife is cheating on you (or you suspect that she is) then this means one of two things about your marriage: 1) Either your marriage is in trouble and she is having an affair and unconsciously hoping to get caught so that it will be a wake up call and you'll really get the message that she is unhappy and wants more or 2) She is cheating because she feels that there's little hope for the marriage and has decided to get her needs met no matter what.
Whatever your wife's motivation is for cheating, you have some big decisions to make and these decisions will probably be better made sooner rather than later. If you even suspect that your wife is cheating… then the BIG questions you need to ask yourself are "do you really love her?" and "are you willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild your marriage now?"
The natural reaction of most men when they find out that their wife is cheating on them is to become upset, angry and close down to her. While this is a normal and natural reaction, this reaction will not help you rebuild your marriage and relationship with your wife.
We're not suggesting that you should approve of the fact that your wife is cheating on you. Quite the contrary--what we are suggesting that you do is to use this as a sign to let you know how serious that challenges are in your marriage and about the work that is to be done if you are to heal it and get back to a more loving place.
A cheating wife doesn't always mean that your marriage is over. It does mean that you have serious challenges in from of you that must be addressed if you are to save this marriage. Many of our relationship coaching clients have asked us in the past "if my wife is cheating on me can my marriage be saved?" Our answer is always-"that depends on the two of you."
In a marriage or relationship where both people truly want to save the marriage then it can be done. We've seen it happen over and over again. One thing's for sure: if the love is still there and the commitment to rebuild the marriage is still there then with some work, you can have a good marriage once again.
On the other hand-if one or both of you is not sure what you want or is more interested in holding onto your upset and anger than in rebuilding the marriage then there are other questions that are going to have to be looked at as well.
If you suspect that your wife has been cheating and want to know whether you should stay in our leave your relationship… We have an excellent resource for helping you know what is best for you. It's our book and audio program called "Should You stay or should you go?" This book and program offers the most important questions you need to answer in order to decide whether you should stay or go. Get complete details by clicking here.
Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know...and what you can do to help
That may seem like a very steep number. However after two decades plus of full time work as a marriage and family therapist, I don't believe that number is off the charts. I worked with a great number of people involved in infidelity who were never discovered.
The possibility that someone close to you is or soon will be involved in an extramarital affair (any of the three parties) is extremely high. Maybe you will know. You will see telltale signs. You will notice changes in the person's habits and behavioral patterns as well as a detachment, lack of focus and reduced productivity.
Maybe you will sense something "out of character" but be unable to pinpoint what it is. It is not a given that he/she will tell you. Those hiding the affair will continue to hide.
The "victim" of the extramarital affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging the crisis.
It might be important to confront the person with your observations, depending on the status of your relationship with the person.
It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and serve different purposes. Out of my study and experience with hundreds of couples I've identified 7 different kinds of infidelity.
Briefly, some extramarital affairs are reactivity to a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage. Others arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual confusion or trauma. Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and power by becoming "trophy chasers." This "boys will be boys" mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts.
Some become involved in marital infidelity because of a high need for drama and excitement and are enthralled with the idea of "being in love" and having that "loving feeling."
An extramarital affair might be for revenge either because the spouse did or did not do something. Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is the motive for both, they look and feel very different.
Another form of infidelity serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. A nagging question of being "OK" may lead to usually a short-term and one-person affair.
And finally, some affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the spouse. The prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different for each. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell.
As well, different extramarital affairs demand different strategies on the part of the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand patience and understanding.
The emotional impact of the discovery of infidelity is usually profound. Days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and unproductivity follow. It typically takes 2 - 4 years to "work through" the implications. A good coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the process.
I don't recommend "marriage" counseling, at least initially. The devastating emotional impact results from a couple powerful dynamics. Trust is shattered - of one's ability to discern the truth. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust the other person, but to learn to trust one's self.
Another is the power that a secret plays in relationships. THE secret exacts an emotional and sometimes physical toll that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.
How can you help? Those in the midst of their affair crisis told me they need this from you:
1. Sometimes I want to vent, get it out without censor. I know sometimes I will say what I shouldn't be saying. It may not be nice, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but I need to get it off my chest.
2. Every so often I want to hear something like, "This too shall pass." Remind me that this is not forever.
3. I want to be validated. I want to know that I am OK. You can best do that by nodding acceptance when I talk about the pain or confusion.
4. I want to hear sometimes, "What are you learning? What are you doing to take care of yourself?" I may need that little jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see the larger picture.
5. I may want space. I may want you to be quiet and patient as I attempt to sort through and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter and stumble my way through this.
6. I want someone to point out some new options or different roads that I might take. But before you do this, make sure I am first heard and validated.
7. When they pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources that you think I might find helpful.
8. I want to hear every so often, "How's it going?" And, I may want this to be more than an informal greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly how it IS going.
9. I want you to understand and welcome the ambivalent feelings and desires. I would like you to be fairly comfortable with the gray areas and the contradictions about how I feel and what I may want.
10. I want you to be predictable. I want to be able to count on you to be there, listen and speak consistently or let me know when you are unable to do that. I will honor that.
Extramarital affairs are powerful. Affairs are costly. They affect family, friends, colleagues and employers. Infidelity is also an opportunity - to redesign one's life and love relationships in ways that create honor, joy and true intimacy.
"When Is Flirting a Good Thing?"
Most of us have flirted in one way or another with another person. It's fun, exciting and even if we don't recognize our motivation at the time, it's a way we can get our needs met when we do it.
The question becomes--Is flirting harmful or healthy?
When one of our newsletter subscribers wrote in to ask us what we thought about flirting, we thought it was a great topic that many people in committed relationships have challenges around, especially when it involves co-workers, friends or people you meet in social situations.
The dictionary defines flirting as "to behave amorously without serious intent" and "to deal lightly." We define flirting as focusing attention on another person with the intention to get some need of yours met.
In our opinion, in most cases when you flirt, you are sending out "feelers" to find out how receptive the other person is to you and whether this person will and can give you what you are wanting.
Maybe it's just a smile, laugh, a stroke for your ego, or conversation (it could be sexual stimulation) that you are wanting--whatever it is, we all flirt to get something in return whether we know it or not.
It could be that flirting helps you feel alive. If you are not violating agreements in a committed relationship and not violating any boundaries of the person you are flirting with, it can be healthy and fun. The challenges begin when agreements are violated and/or the flirting becomes unwelcome attention.
So what's the difference between flirting and just being friendly? When you are being friendly, the intention may be to connect with the other person on some level without a sexual agenda or without having a strong desire for your personal needs to be met--except for the need for friendship.
When you are flirting, there is an unspoken (or spoken) need of some kind that you are wanting the other person to fill.
We both have flirted with other people when we were single and when we were in our previous marriages. For her, as Susie looks back on those times, she realizes that she flirted to ultimately get her previous husband's attention and to feel attractive. There was a lack within her that moved her to attract the attention of other men. She was trying to fill herself up by looking outward to others instead of finding it within herself.
In hindsight, Otto now understands that he flirted to get unmet wants and needs met. In many cases, he didn't even realize what he was doing. He just thought that he was having some innocent fun and a good time. Sometimes this flirting turned out to create some challenges for him that took some real explaining.
You may find it interesting to know that as in love and connected as we are, the two of us do not wear wedding rings. Rings symbolize commitment but also we think they are meant to be an outward signal that the person wearing one is unavailable for a committed or sexual relationship or whatever the couple has agreed on.
When we made our marriage commitment to each other, our intention was that we would move through our lives in such a way that everyone we came in contact with would know that we were committed to each other.
In other words, the rings wouldn't be necessary as an outward symbol of our love and affection for each other.
The point is not to encourage you to throw away your rings or to not include them in your commitment to each other if you are in a committed relationship, but to encourage you to look underneath at your intentions and motivations for all of your actions, including flirting.
If flirting is a problem for you, you might want to ask yourself these questions to help you sort out what's going on inside you--
--Are there needs and desires within me that are unfulfilled?
--Are there wants, needs, desires or interests unfulfilled and missing in my committed relationship?
--Why am I flirting, how do I feel when I'm doing it and what do I want to get out of doing it?
--Are there some other ways I can get those needs met? If you are in a committed relationship and you are flirting with others or your partner is flirting with others and this is causing distance and disconnection between the two of you, take this opportunity to focus on your needs and how they can possibly be filled in ways that strengthen your relationship instead of possibly destroying it. So, when is "flirting" a good thing?
--Anytime you want to build passion, mystery and intrigue to a relationship. In our relationship, we "flirt" with each other all the time. We think it makes our relationship more alive.
What we've discovered is that flirting can mean adoration, honoring and can build passion between two people and can be very healthy. It can also serve as a wake up call if you are in a committed relationship and are violating agreements within your relationship. The challenge with "flirting" is to always make sure that it's appropriate to be building passion, mystery and intrigue with the person that you're flirting with.
"Cheating Spouse: Is Spying an Invasion of Privacy?" by Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach
On and on. Cheating husbands and cheating wives usually will not admit the duplicity of their clandestine behavior. But you are made out to be the villain if you use detective work to discover the truth. It doesn't make sense, but then again not much about infidelity borders close to sanity.
Are you a morally corrupt duplicitous character hell bent on destroying the integrity of a relationship through spying? No, of course not. The integrity of the relationship has been destroyed through the extramarital affair.
The affair shattered the promises and mocked the vows that the two of you made. You saw clearly the signs of a cheating spouse. The affair invaded the domain of your marriage and crumbled its protective boundaries.
The marital infidelity broke the contract of the marriage; it was the act of betrayal. Spying does not damage the marriage. It is an attempt to seek the truth and resolve the pain and deception. Spying is often used to grasp the reality of the situation. It's intent is to find the truth.
Only the truth can provide a foundation from which to begin resolving the hurt, pain and forging a direction for the marriage and enable each person in the marriage to attain health and sanity.
"Surviving Infidelity: Why Do People Cheat or Have Extramarital Affairs?"
One of the questions you undoubtably have if you've been cheated on is why it happened. You've probably asked yourself this question dozens of times. And you may feel that you need to know why the affair happened in order to keep it from happening again.
According to marriage and family counsellor Dr. Frank Ginzburg, the one who has cheated operates under the mistaken notion that going outside the relationship will solve his/her problems or fulfill his/her needs in some way.
The "reason" that he/she has done what he/she has done could be any number of things. Dr. Ginzburg goes on to list some common themes:
1. Some people cheat because they aren't getting their needs met inside the relationship. They no longer feel special in the relationship and they are under the deluded notion that going outside the relationship is a legitimate answer. It isn't.
2. In some cases people cheat because they have never learned to honor boundaries. They may know the boundaries are there, but they have little hesitation about stepping over them.
3. Some people are thrill seekers that just can't pass up the opportunity to get a thrill. The very fact that these people are doing something that is taboo compels them to engage in the affair.
4. Similarly, some men think that they are not a real man if they turn down a sexual invitation from someone attractive.
5. Some people have low self-esteem and they get a sense of self-worth through finding people who care about them.
6. In some cases people have sexual fetishes that their partners have problems with so they go outside the relationship in order to fulfill these sexual desires.
Whatever the reason the affair happened, the person who has cheated can choose to do some personal work on themselves and re-committ to the relationship.
How do you keep it from happening again?
If there is one thing that increases the chances of another affair happening, it is neglect. Neglect is a poison that eats away the foundation of your relationship.
According to Dr. Ginzburg, there are three ways that you can neglect your relationship:
1. You can neglect your own needs,
2. You can neglect your partner's needs,
3, You can neglect both your needs and your partner's needs.
To find out more reasons why people in relationships or marriages cheat or have extramarital affairs, we invite you to sign up for a free email course by marriage and family counsellor Dr. Frank Gunzburg PhD who has specialized in helping couples heal their relationship from an affair since 1978.
"Communicating After the Extramarital Affair or Infidelity"
This is often difficult and the truth is that it isn't always easy. But there is a way you can do it.
According to marriage and family counsellor Dr. Frank Ginzburg, the cornerstone of rebuilding your relationship is one simple concept—communication.
Intimate relationships are built on communication. Talking to one another is one of the main ways we come to know each other. If you don't talk to your partner, there is no way to know how they think or feel. There is no way to know what they want. In essence, there is no foundation on which to build a lasting relationship.
This means that if you want to completely heal from the destruction the affair has caused, you are going to need to talk with your partner about your relationship. And you are going to need to talk with them a lot.
Together you will need to explore every aspect of your relationship. And you will need to agree on ways that you can start building your relationship into what you always wanted it to be.
When couples start talking again, one of the first questions that comes up is whether or not they should discuss the affair.
According to Dr. Gunzburg, a lot of people seem to think that they should talk about the extramarital affair or infidelity if they are going to move forward. But the truth is that this isn't always necessary. You may be surprised to learn that you don't have to talk about affair in order to heal from the pain you are feeling and create a relationship that is better than ever.
Remember, when you are healing from an affair, the process is about what you need. There are no right or wrong answers. You don't have to do anything. Listen to your inner voice. Pay attention to your own needs. You know what you need better than anyone.
If you do choose to talk about the affair, Dr. Gunzburg gives some Tips for Talking about the extramarital affair or infidelity. Here are a few of his ideas:
1. The first thing you want to do if you are going to discuss the affair is request complete honesty from your partner. If you decide that you need to hear about the details of the affair, then you can't expect your partner to hold back or to tell you what you want to hear.
2. That being said, a discussion about the affair should always be initiated by the injured partner, and it should be structured as a question and answer session where the injured partner asks questions and the cheater answers those questions.
This is not a place for the cheater to vent about the affair or to share details about it that the injured has not specifically asked for. The cheater should show some restraint. They should not expand their answers beyond what the injured has asked, and they should not offer information that wasn't specifically requested.
This means that you should be careful what you ask for. You just might get it. If you request complete honesty from your partner, expect them to give it to you. That means you should be really careful in choosing which questions you want to ask.
Don't jump the gun and ask for information you will later regret. I specifically suggest you stay away from questions that are comparative in nature. These are questions like: "Was she a better lover than me?" "Did she do things in bed that I don't do?" "Do you enjoy spending time with her more than me?"
Questions like this tend to go nowhere. They don't resolve any real issues and they just build up resentment. If you have any doubt about the question you are considering, I recommend writing it down and carrying it around with you for a while. This way you have the time to consider whether or not it is a question you truly need an answer to.
To find out more about how to communicate after the affair, we invite you to sign up for a free email course by marriage and family counsellor Dr. Frank Gunzburg PhD who has specialized in helping couples heal their relationship from an affair since 1978.
"Dealing with Your Emotions Over a Cheating Spouse"
According to marriage and family counsellor Dr. Frank Ginzberg, rather than focusing your energy outward in the early stages of healing from an affair, the best thing you can do is turn inward.
This means not hiding from your feelings and pretending they don't exist. You actually need to move into your emotions, feel them for what they are, and learn new ways to process these painful parts of your life.
The first step to coping with your emotions is to find out what you are feeling. If you feel like you are caught in a flood of emotions that you sometimes have a hard time contolling, much less distinguishing what exactly you are feeling then you need to figure out what your feelings are before you can start to cope with them.
Dr. Ginzburg has distinguished 8 Heart Wrenching Emotions that most people face when they learn about an affair. We've listed a few of them below:
Betrayal
This emotion is so universal to injured people in affairs, that it almost seems like it isn't worth mentioning. There is little question that you feel betrayed by your partner. You may even feel as though you will never be able to trust them again. But it is useful to consciously recognize your feelings of betrayal. Don't run away from them or pretend they don't exist. If you feel betrayed, feel it. There is no reasons to try and bury that feeling hoping it will go away. In fact, the only way you can learn to process it is to accept that the feeling is there in the first place.
Guilt
Many people feel guilty when they find out their partner has had an affair. They think there are things they might have done better in the relationship, and that if they had "only done this" their partner would never have gone outside the relationship. Bearing the burden of the affair is not your responsibility. It rests firmly on the cheater's shoulders.
There are surely things you could have done better. We are all human and there is always room for improvement. But nothing you could have done makes it okay for your partner to have cheated on you. Think of it this way.
Imagine someone gave you some sacred, valued possession and asked you to hold on to it for them for a week. In that time you learn they have done something that offends you deeply. Do you have then have the right to trash their sacred possession because of something they did that hurt you?
The answer is clearly no. And the same is true of the cheater. You gave them something sacred—your trust. Nothing you could have done gives them the right to betray that sacred trust.
Disappointment
When you have invested a great deal in another person and have spent years building a life with them, you have every right to feel disappointed when they act in a way that undoes much the work you have put into your relationship. Take a moment now and see if you feel disappointed.
Be completely honest with yourself. Is this an emotion you are struggling with?
To find out more about dealing with these emotions that happen because of an extramarital affair, cheating or infidelity, we invite you to sign up for a free email course by marriage and family counsellor Dr. Frank Gunzburg PhD who has specialized in helping couples heal their relationship from an affair since 1978.
Cheating Spouse, Extramarital Affairs & Infidelity
According to marriage and family counsellor Dr. Frank Gunzburg, when you first learn that your spouse has had an affair, it's not only devastating but it's a crazy cocktail of anger, denial, grief and a complete loss of self-esteem.
If you have been injured by a cheating husband or cheating wife, especially if the news has hit you within the last few months, the pain you are feeling right now is probably unbearable.
But the truth is that you are not alone and there is hope for your relationship. The pain you feel right now, as immediate as it is, will not go on forever.
But you can't wait too long to start your healing process. Why you ask? Because even though time can be a healer, time can also be a breeding ground for hurtful words and actions. Time may build walls that become too thick to tear down.
So you should start the healing process now. The problem is how.
Starting the healing process always starts with you and helping you begin to sort out the full range of emotions that are tearing your world apart.
There is no excuse for infidelity. And if your relationship is going to heal, the first thing you need to realize is that the affair is not your fault. You did not force your partner to go outside your relationship. They did it themself. Even if there are things you could have done better in your relationship (and there almost certainly are), this is not an excuse or a legitimate justification for your spouse to do what he or she has done.
To start healing from an affair, you must realize this critical truth. In addition, the cheater has to own what he or she has done starting today and realize that the affair is completely his or her fault.
A resource we highly recommend is a free email course by marriage and family counsellor Dr. Frank Gunzburg PhD who has specialized in helping couples heal their relationship from an affair since 1978.
Extramarital Affairs, Cheating & Infidelity
When you end the affair, you might get a feeling of "withdrawal." As I stated above, being in an affair is a lot like being addicted to a drug. This means that when you end the affair you will have to go through the uncomfortable experience of withdrawal before you can be "clean" again.
There are three major emotional symptoms of affair withdrawal: anger, anxiety, and depression. Why you might have these emotions should be fairly self-explanatory at this point.
You can expect to have intense withdrawal symptoms for about three weeks. You may continue to feel some symptoms for up to six months, but they should gradually diminish in intensity and frequency over this time period.
During this time, you are in a vulnerable position. Like an addict, you might be tempted to use your favorite drug again. You might be tempted to contact your lover again to help calm the force of your withdrawal symptoms.
Doing so is a little bit like a heroin addict in recovery who says they are "just going to do a little hit to make the pain go away." This is clearly a terrible idea. If you do this, it is likely you will be tempted to start using again, end up back in the affair, and undo all the difficult work you have done up to this point.
Do not, I repeat, do not¸ attempt to contact your lover. This will destroy your relationship.
Instead, reinvest in repairing your relationship. This is liable to be difficult as well, particularly if you have just informed your partner about the affair. If you are talking to your partner at all, it is likely that your communication is negative and difficult. It is unlikely that you will be getting a great deal of positive feedback from your partner at this point and this is bound to make you feel emotionally disconnected. This could worsen your withdrawal symptoms.
If you feel that you have had your needs met in this affair in a way that they haven't been met in your relationship, there is going to be a time when you need to address those problems with your partner. That time isn't now. I say this here to help you have hope that you can get what you need out of your relationship and not feel compelled to continue going outside it to fulfill those needs.
Remember that you are going through this painful time for a reason: you want to heal your relationship. You can look at this difficult period as a necessary step to straightening out the mess you have made of your relationship. Like an addict, there may be a period of time in which you suffer. Going through that is the first step to putting your life back on the right course.
Keep in mind that when you maintain the course of recovery through this rough period, the reward is a relationship that is better than you ever dreamed. Use the strategies you have learned up to this point to overcome your negative feelings, and hang tight in your determination to rebuild your relationship. Your efforts will pay off.
None of this will be easy. You will likely face quite a lot of emotional difficulty when you end the affair. Nonetheless, it is necessary to face this pain in order to restore your relationship.
Love Is Not Enough
Do you feel disappointed and like a failure because you love your partner but you still have many painful conflicts?
If you answered yes to the above question, know that you are not alone in your frustrations. Somehow, most of us have mistakenly been led to believe that love is enough to sustain an intimate relationship. The truth is that it takes much more than love to be in harmony with another.
As a psychotherapist, I have counseled many individuals and couples who were having problems in their relationships. In every case, when I helped the clients release their fears, hurts, anger, and resentments, they instantly were in touch with their love feelings. The love was always there underneath all their pain. Love was never the problem. And love was not enough.
What else does it take to experience harmonious, fulfilling relationships? First of all, I discovered that the most important ingredient is loving yourself. We have heard or read about the popular concept that women (or men) love too much. Quite the contrary, I have found that the real problem is that people do not love themselves enough. Therefore, with low self-esteem they are willing to put up with unhealthy relationships.
You may want to try this process to check out your self-esteem—your foundation for a successful relationship. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths to relax. Then rate your self-esteem by seeing or sensing a number from one to ten, with ten being high. Now imagine that you are seeing an image of yourself standing in front of you. Tell the image of yourself what he/she needs to do in order to raise his/her self-esteem. Now visualize yourself acting out in the future what you need to do in order to experience more self-love. Take two deep breaths and open your eyes. You may want to write down the information you just received. You may also want to plan a time when you can follow-up on your suggestion to help you raise your self-esteem. Finally, congratulate yourself for being willing to tune into your inner wisdom, and to explore some solutions.
Other ways to help you love yourself include reading self-help books, listening to self-help tapes, attending workshops and support groups, and if necessary seeking professional counseling. It takes a lot of courage to say, "I need help," and to reach out for it.
The second necessary component in a successful relationship is good communication. If you are struggling in your interactions with others, there is a good chance that you can use improvement in this area. Make a commitment to yourself to learn better ways to express your thoughts and feelings, and to solve your problems. Your investment in the time, energy, and money will have excellent returns. With constructive communication, and with self love, you are well on your way to having the relationship you desire.
Other valuable pieces to the puzzle are two individuals having similar morals, values, interests, and goals. These are important elements to explore before you commit yourself to marriage.
However, sometimes these factors change later on in life and cause unresolvable conflicts. For example, one partner may change their religious or spiritual beliefs, and find out that their partner is unwilling to follow. In those cases, it is important to honor each other's choices, and support each other to pursue his/her individual path—even if it means separation.
Still another ingredient necessary to make relationships work I will express with the following saying: "People who grow together stay together." Often clients had serious marital problems because one of them chose to focus on their growth, while the other remained stagnant. As a result, they found themselves in two different places, and were no longer compatible. Love was not enough to keep them together.
The following brief questionnaire may help you to decide whether to commit to marriage, or to become aware of areas you may need to strengthen with your loved one. Place a check before the pieces which you feel confident that you have in your relationship.
___I love myself (my self-esteem is at least an eight).
___I love my partner (who also has a self-esteem of eight or higher).
___My partner and I have good communication, and we work out win-win solutions.
___We have the same morals and values.
___We share similar interests.
___We are best friends.
___We have similar goals.
___We are both growing, open to changing, and exploring our full potential.
Know that you deserve to have the loving, fulfilling relationship that you desire. Go for it!
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5 Ways to Attract Your Perfect Partner
By Susie and Otto Collins
Why are some people successful at attracting a perfect partner and a great relationship and others are not?
The answer may surprise you...
A woman we'll call "Joyce" thought she was a great
"catch" and a "perfect partner" but she wondered why
her relationships always seemed to fail.
Here's what she wrote to us--
"I dated men of various ages and cultures but all my
relationships ended up in disaster. I constantly searched,
hoping for love to come my way. Then I started reading
your newsletters. I carried a lot of personal baggage from
my past and set unrealistic standards and expectations for
my lovers hoping they would fail because I was afraid to fail.
I was afraid they would hurt me and disappoint me, so I
made sure I would be in control when they did."
In this situation, Joyce has an incredible opportunity in
front of her. She can continue as she has been, being
fearful and attracting people who will disappoint her or
she can learn from what she has discovered about her
patterns from the past.
It's been our experience that we attract the people into our
lives who show us what we need to heal within ourselves, new
possibilities for the future, and the contrast of what we
want and don't want in our lives.
We take the rather contrarian view that there are no
relationship mistakes or failures and only opportunities to
heal, learn, grow and experience joy.
Even though Joyce thought her relationships were failures,
each one was actually another chance to become more
emotionally aware of what was going on inside her, what
she wanted for her life and to give her an opportunity to
heal and create new ways to do it differently.
What we have found is that we keep attracting the same
type of person, not just intimate partners, and experiences
into our lives until we heal the past and learn to "do it
differently."
Several years ago, Otto had a black Buick Century with
leather seats. He's very hot natured and since we live in Ohio
where the summers are very hot and humid, he suffered in
his hot car. He loved the way the car looked on the showroom
floor, but his day-to-day experience gave him a powerful
lesson of what he didn't want in a car. As you can imagine,
he made a clear intention through the power of contrast that
his next car would not be black or have leather seats.
He had an opportunity to learn this lesson when he was 18
years old and drove a black Ford Pinto station wagon with
no air-conditioning to Tampa, Florida at the beginning of
August. He swore then as he sat in traffic with sweat
dripping onto the steering wheel that he'd never have
another black car.
Obviously, he hadn't learned this lesson so he needed to
bring another black car into his experience.
The point is that Otto has finally learned from this
valuable experience and will not buy a black car with
leather seats again.
This story is an example of coming to an awareness of what
you want and what you don't want and of learning from past
experiences that are not "failures" but are opportunities
for expansion and growth.
What we are recommending is that you take the opportunity
to become emotionally aware, like Joyce did, as much of the
time as possible. Decide that you deserve to have a great
relationship and a great life, whatever that means to you.
We are inviting you to learn from the past and the power of
contrast so that you can begin creating the life you want.
Here are some ideas to help you...
1. Accept responsibility for your part in past relationships
that haven't worked out the way you wanted them to work
out. Look for reoccurring patterns that will show you
where you need to heal and then take steps to heal them.
2. Know that there's no such thing as failure in relationships,
only experiences that you may not have enjoyed. Identify
what you want and don't want in a relationship and partner.
3. Embrace the idea that no matter what has happened in
your relationships up until now, the future can be different.
Live from a place of possibility.
4. Be happy now. Find joy in being with the people who
you are in relationship with now and find ways to bring
happiness to others. When you are in a good-feeling
place and enjoying life, your perfect partner will show
up when you least expect it.
Let go of the past, embrace your promising future and
live every moment as if it were your last.
Internet Dating and Online Personals Tips
Gone are the days of anxiety linked with the personal, and here are the days of online personals and internet dating and romance.
For hard working people, internet personal ads and internet dating is often the only way to meet people now days! Just about anyone that uses a computer can see that the amount of US dating services_$services expanding as individuals discover that utilizing internet personals and internet dating could be a much more adequate and increasingly more effective method to meet other single people. Since we've gotten increasingly more occupied, and more concerns and priorities are constantly popping up, internet personal services and even Christian internet dating has encountered a way to help to make dating simple and accessible.
Still aren't sure about online personal services and online dating services? That is fine. Make sure that you to go through a couple free internet personal ad and internet dating sites before making a final judgement. What you may see is that it isn't for the un dateable anymore. Several singles put pictures and background information on their online personals and internet dating profiles, so you can stimulate an interest in people before you even have to meet them. Ask around to family and friends and see how many have truly done the online personal services and online dating services available. You might be stunned about how many people have tried it.
Would you like to get a bit more specific? Well then, there are internet personal ad and online dating services available that are aimed toward supplying Asian or Hispanic dating websites or location specific such as dating services inside Southern California or dating services around Colorado. You could also perform a search depending on specific keywords to locate the most suitable online dating websites that satisfy your unique needs. A variety of singles would like to take their free internet personals to another level, so looking for local or particular dating sites often will help you cut down your search.
The timing can be everything. There are a lot of singles who just don't feel that a normal United States dating service is efficient. Just being out on the scene just can't bear comparison to the convenience and success of men seeking single women or of single women seeking men. Not only will you get to refine your search, something you can't do in traditional dating, you can get to know your dates via e-mails and instant messaging. Internet personal services and online dating have brought romance and courting into the computer age. Highly successful and induring relationships come from these women seeking single men and internet dating web sites, carefully because people can interact much better with each other before they meet.
When you've looked at some of the internet personal services and online dating web sites, and you learn that they have become a little more frequently utilized, you can U.S. datingEEE- it out for yourself. Discover how convenient it may be to find single people from across the world and right in your backyard by placing your own personal ad. However make sure you are totally truthful about who you are, and use common sense when conversing with singles you've not actually met. Most individuals, when they seek the online personals and internet dating websites, are wanting to find other single people that they might share a little of their lives with. Posting fake information in your personal ad, will in time come back to haunt you. And yes, in case you were wondering,, even with online personals and internet dating, you can still have a damaging reputation.
Enter into the modern age with online personals and internet dating sites. In todays fast paced world, the computer has become our hub of communication. Some may think it is way too impersonal, but even with mail order brides and internet dating, you will have the capability to move the relationship at a stride that is the most convenient for you. The best U.S. dating sites will continue to also increase your friendship circles or help you to learn more about different parts of the globe. Online dating services are no longer the future - it is the present.
"Fear of Intimacy"
Everyone agreed that she was a great person and yet Daphne had an empty feeling inside herself and secretly wondered if there was something more to life. Although she couldn't quite put her finger on it, she felt like something was missing.
Although no one could have guessed, at the bottom of Daphne's "empty" feelings was a fear of intimacy. While we are in no way saying that there is a problem with being of service to others, we are saying that "busyness" is one way people sabotage connections with others.
This is not only true of intimate relationships but also with co-workers, family members, and friends. There also can be a fear of intimacy with yourself.
Besides "busyness," here are some other ways that the fear of intimacy might show itself:
--pointing an accusatory finger outward, judging the other person instead of looking within
--displaying anger or hostility to keep people away
--cutting, sarcastic remarks that are supposedly meant to be humorous or "kidding"
--being sexual while closing down to a true connection and intimacy
--adopting a superior attitude
The list could go on and on but we think you probably have the idea...
What we have discovered is however the outward behavior shows itself, there is a survival need that's not being met.
We have found that when we are strong within ourselves, our survival needs are not in question and we are open to a deep connection with others.
We are certainly aware that fear of intimacy can also be a "red flag" telling you that this relationship isn't right for you.
So how do you know when to move past the fear and open yourself further into the relationship--or when to use your fear as a signal that being intimate in this relationship is not very wise?
We suggest that you open to love no matter what. To us, this means loving the person while maintaining boundaries that are healthy for you. It doesn't necessarily mean agreeing with the other person but it does mean honoring them and holding them in compassion.
It doesn't mean being in the type of relationship that the other person wants. True intimacy is opening to love in every moment.
With that being said, here are 5 ways to help you to move past your fears and open more to intimacy with the people in your life...
1. Don't confuse busyness with connection. If you are like Daphne and feel like there's something missing in your life, start looking at all the things that keep you busy. Start slowing down and taking time to connect with people even with a smile or a kind word.
2. Don't confuse listening and giving advice with listening from your heart. True intimacy begins with listening with an open heart and not from your frame of reference. True intimacy begins with understanding the other person's frame of reference.
3. Don't confuse giving love and kindness with true intimacy. True intimacy comes from giving love from deep inside. This might be something entirely different than doing the things that you consider are being loving. True intimacy asks that you learn to receive as well as to give.
4. Always take time to support and nurture yourself. If you don't allow an intimate connection with yourself, how can you expect to have one with another person? Take the time to be introspective and love yourself. If that means getting a massage, do it. Whatever supporting yourself means to you, do it.
5. Speak your truth in ways that others can hear. Unfinished business and words left unsaid build up walls that keep intimacy out. Although your truth may be difficult to say, talk to the other person from a place of pure love.
Fear of intimacy can be the result of many different things going on inside of you. What's so interesting about "fear of intimacy" is that until you let go of the fear of getting hurt (or the fear of whatever is keeping you from being more intimate) then, you'll never have the kind of love, depth and connection that we know is possible.
Opening your heart and letting go of your fears can be difficult. If your fears of intimacy are keeping you from having the best possible relationship, we encourage you to work through whatever is causing you to be fearful. More love and closer and more connected relationships await when you do.