If you can relate to these feelings, know that you are not alone. As a Marriage, Family, and Child Therapist for 26 years, I have learned incredible insights into the causes and the solutions to our many relationship dramas.
It was fascinating to hear from every client, male and female, young and old, the same frustration and despair. Every client longed for that wonderful, loving relationship. Everyone felt powerless, and pessimistic about ever having their dream fulfilled.
One client, Gail, a very pretty thirty-two-year-old woman said to me, "Helene, I want you to help me to become a hermit." I replied, "Gail, if you could have what you desire in a relationship, would you still want to withdraw from society?" "No," Gail admitted, teary eyed, "I'd love to be married and to have a family."
In the course of her counseling sessions, Gail expressed how devastated she was from her painful relationships with all the men in her life, including her brother and father. Unable to handle any more rejection, she was seeking to become a hermit to protect herself, even though her solution was not what she truly desired.
Gail succeeded in therapy in overcoming her fears and hurts about men, relationships, and herself. She had discovered that even though she was a beautiful woman, she felt ugly. Gail also felt unlovable, unworthy, bad and not good enough from the time she was five years old and her father left the house.
I will never forget when Gail regressed back to that crucial childhood time and realized the truth—that her Dad chose to leave because he was not getting along with her mother, but that he loved Gail very much. In her visualizations, Gail was able to hear her father's reassurance that she was not responsible for her parents' divorce. He was so sorry that she took it personally, felt abandoned, and decided that men she loves leave her.
Gail sobbed deeply, mourning all of the years she was under the illusion that she was not okay, and did not deserve a loving relationship. She also realized how she kept reliving, in her adult life, her five-year-old decision that men abandon her, by choosing men who would keep rejecting her.
As Gail healed her inner child she was able to believe the truth, that she is okay, beautiful, lovable, worthy, good enough, and that men she loved would be there for her. Six months later, she called me to tell me about her loving relationship. Gail was no longer pushing away the relationship that she wanted, and she allowed herself to attract her perfect mate.
This story is typical of the scenarios I discovered with all of my clients who were unsuccessful in their relationships. That includes the men who had made similar destructive decisions with their mothers, sisters, and previous lovers. The clients taught me that the reason why we are driving each other crazy is because we have two subpersonalities that are expressing opposite things. The positive part of us is saying, "Come close, I want to love you." That is the thought that attracts lovers to us. Meanwhile the negative part is screaming, "Stay away because I'm scared. I'm scared that if you get too close you will hurt me, or you will find out that I'm
really not okay." These beliefs cause us to push the other person away. We actually unconsciously set up ways to be rejected by suddenly finding fault with them, not keeping agreements, withdrawing, or being argumentative. Sometimes we decide to end relationships because we are unconsciously expecting the other person to push us away.
How sad and frustrating it is that so many of us are like ships lost on a foggy ocean. We keep blowing our horns to try to connect with each another. However, because of the fog, because of our self-doubts and negative decisions about relationships, we cannot see clearly and find that other ship—our partner.
It is time to clear out your illusions, to lift the fog. It is time to acknowledge the truth that you are okay, loving, worthy, and more than good enough. You are wonderful and you deserve a fantastic relationship. Go for it!
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